So.... i just finished Super Princess Peach for the DS. For those of you who don't know what this game is, it's basically the gender flip of any mario game. Instead of peach being kidnapped and mario rescuing her, it's mario kidnapped and peach rescuing him. Now, i'm not a fan of the "gender flip" (feminists answer to their own inadequacies, hehehe! *sigh* why am i still single?), but this game is, dare i say it? Fun! Like, really fun.
The game is a typical platformer that reminds me more of Warioland 4 for the gameboy advanced than the mario games. Instead of just stomping on goombas and such as in mario games, peach uses a weapon (an umbrella) to smack them around. Additionally, she has a set of emotions which, like any woman's, runs from "calm" to "crying" to "fuming angrily" (at the drop of a hat!).
*hides from women* please don't hurt me!
The emotions run off of a "vibe" metre (something like a magic bar) allowing peach only a finite amount of time to use them. However, the metre can be refilled by making her talking umbrella (perry) eat enemies (pretty dark, eh?) and can later be upgraded at a shop by using the coins you collect in levels. Additional upgrades are also available in said shop, including more hit points (hearts, in peach's case) and additional abilities (like one to float, etc).
Now that i've got all that "what i like" crap out of the way, let me get on with what i DON'T like.
...
Actually, there's not much i don't like. But there were things that did seem off to me. Not off enough to anger me, but off none the less.
First of all, WHY the gender flip? Mario's a classic platformer and Peach is the classic damsel in distress. The roles don't flip very well. I mean, if Bowser spends all his time sending hundreds of goombas at mario in timed environments, forcing him to traverse numerous challenges just to rescue peach, why oh why didn't he just slit his throat when the shoe's on the other foot? See, with Peach, Bowser has a thing for her (or at least, this is how it's been developed in the mario-verse) so it makes since that he doesn't kill HER. But i just don't buy it the other way around.
Also, i think Peach just makes a good damsel in distress. It's classic, if not a bit device-y, and makes better story sense (in more ways than above). Without getting into all the "sexism in video games" and "vg plotlines" crap, suffice it to say, humans are emotive creatures and nothing like an emotive construct (Mario and Peach's relationship?) to move a logical story. Sorry, that's just the way life works.
The other thing that kind of seemed off to me, and this is more of a personal off, is, no matter how much i like the game (and i do like this one) it's very hard to stand up in public and say, "yes, i, a desirable young heterosexual male, enjoys playing as a pink-dress wearing princess". Though i played the game on the bus, i found myself kind of shrinking away from inquiring eyes. I guess the conditioning of the human animal is a hard thing to ignore.
Finally, the last thing that bothered me about this game is... the critics themselves! (what an odd thing to say, right?) Critics for this game actually come from two categories: feminists (yes, really) and "hard core gamers".
Feminist critics complain about the "sexism" of peach using emotions to thwart her foes (yes, they really said this). Naturally, they miss the point that EVERYONE in the game (bowser, goombas, etc) uses emotions due to the characteristics of the land (vibe island). What's truly ironic is that feminists consider a gender flip of what they believe to be a sexist-against-women franchise to also be a sexist-against-women game (whoo, boy). Of course, a gender flip, by design, is reverse discrimination, but i guess that "subtle" point is lost, too.
Think about it... group a persecutes group b. Is the "right" reaction to say "ok, whatever happened to group b should now be perpetrated against group a". If you said yes, you'd probably feel right at home in Rwanda (you sick bastard). NB: i don't consider EITHER game to be sexist in any way (i just like Peach as the oft-used damsel in distress)!
Now onto my much more disliked critics: the hard core gamers! Yes, these people with all their love of video games have essentially RUINED them for everyone else! Where i found SPP to be a moderately challenging game i can play in my spare time (hey! That's just what i WANT from a game!) they bitched about it being "too easy". Self proclaimed "hard core gamers" are the douchebags that believe a video game is ONLY fun if you have to PRACTICE it first! A game is only "challenging" if you spend 45 minutes dying to a boss before you figure out how to kill him in 5. Remember the last time you had fun dying repeatedly in a game? Me neither. DROP DEAD, ASSHOLES!
To end on a somewhat different note: after playing through SPP i immediately sought to discuss it with my brother (a fellow gamer) and when he asked me about the emotions function, i immediately sought to find an image on google regarding my favourite of them (Peach angry - how could it be anything else?).
Now, if you're moderately familiar with the internet, you probably know what happened next. I put in "Peach angry" into The Google and lo and behold, pornography! Normally, i'd relish at this find (woo! Pron!) but when i'm trying to actually find something, it makes me wonder if ANY google image search is "work safe". The funniest thing about all this is the KINDS of images i turned up: Bowser raping Peach.
"Huh... well, i guess that WOULD make her angry," i thought. "Sad, too, i bet."
The other thing i thought was "who gets off on this, anyway? Isn't Bowser, like... a hideous monster?" But i guess i'm probably looking too deeply into internet pornography trends.
All in all, SPP is a good game. I give it an 8.5 out of ten (room for improvement, but still worthwhile). Now, if you'll excuse me, i'm going to go sort my hate mail (those from feminists, those from hard core gamers).
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Futurama Movie: Bender's Game
Well, i'm back, after a very long break with yet another scathing review. You didn't think i'd give up on this blog altogether, did you? Writing, is, after all, the only thing that fills the void in my empty, empty life.
So, futurama's newest made for tv movie, Bender's game, (that's three so far, if you can count that high) came out today and yours truly took a chance and saw it for myself. If you've seen either of the previous movies, you probably think this was a stupid endeavor as you "know" it was going to suck. Well, let me tell, i've seen all three and i can say without a hint of hyperbole that this one was a trillion times worse than the previous ones put together.
I went into this movie expecting a play off of dungeons and dragons with more jokes akin to the cliched "my plus one (whatever)" and jokes about virginity and other niche specific proddings. After all, this is what the futurama writers did best when they weren't producing shitty made-for-tv movies. Instead, what we get is some contrived plot about fuel that i assume is supposed to be a parody of what's happening with big oil but falls far short of anything remotely clever or topical. In fact, the only actual part about fantasy games like D&D is relegated to the odd cut scene with the "loser" characters of the cast until the last 20 minutes when it's inexplicably thrust in for the main storyline (and even then more resembles a LotR's parody than D&D).
What's more, the story itself is composed of several different plots, and jumps around so awkwardly you can't help but think that it was written by 7 or 8 writers and sewed together last second before it had to be sent to be produced. Many of the other plots barely start and don't finish and the hackneyed "twist" near the end is so obvious and unimportant, it's a wonder they even included it in the first place, particularly considering if cannon, it has HUGE implications on the future of the actual story itself.
The other thing this movie lacks is the one thing it should have in spades: comedy. It has everything going for a good equation for comedy, after all. An array of established characters with loads of traits, quirky plot lines (fragmented though they may be) and a setting so vast and diverse (the future!) you couldn't possibly run out of original jokes and ideas. And yet... *sigh*
The problem with futurama it seems is that they've fallen into the pit of "character humour is the only humour". Let me put this simply: characters, no matter how diverse and colourful, are not funny on their own (incidentally, this is a problem with almost EVERY show out there, not just futurama).
Fry is a stupid, lazy oaf from the past. This isn't funny. Leela is a prudent woman with a penchants for violence. This isn't funny (on a side-note, female characters are almost always written badly due to the gender flip phenomenon). Bender is a greedy, self-adoring alcoholic. This isn't funny. The characters themselves are not funny because no character trait, no matter how exaggerated, is funny! Not on it's own, anyway. What is funny is Fry's inability to fully adapt to a future so different to our current time, it seems oddly familiar. Character traits need to be contrasted against a situation, otherwise it's just "life" and who in their right mind finds that funny? As someone anonymous once said (and i'm copying) "comedy happens when two ideas intersect" not when the same idea intersects with itself.
Now, i could sit here and rant all day about the shortcomings of this movie (and contemporary tv shows in general)... but that's probably why i'm still single. So instead, i'll just say, if you liked futurama, the beast with a billion backs, seek help. If not, don't watch this movie as it's pretty much more of the terrible same. This ranter gives Bender's Game a single imaginary star (out of a possible 5 real stars).
So, futurama's newest made for tv movie, Bender's game, (that's three so far, if you can count that high) came out today and yours truly took a chance and saw it for myself. If you've seen either of the previous movies, you probably think this was a stupid endeavor as you "know" it was going to suck. Well, let me tell, i've seen all three and i can say without a hint of hyperbole that this one was a trillion times worse than the previous ones put together.
I went into this movie expecting a play off of dungeons and dragons with more jokes akin to the cliched "my plus one (whatever)" and jokes about virginity and other niche specific proddings. After all, this is what the futurama writers did best when they weren't producing shitty made-for-tv movies. Instead, what we get is some contrived plot about fuel that i assume is supposed to be a parody of what's happening with big oil but falls far short of anything remotely clever or topical. In fact, the only actual part about fantasy games like D&D is relegated to the odd cut scene with the "loser" characters of the cast until the last 20 minutes when it's inexplicably thrust in for the main storyline (and even then more resembles a LotR's parody than D&D).
What's more, the story itself is composed of several different plots, and jumps around so awkwardly you can't help but think that it was written by 7 or 8 writers and sewed together last second before it had to be sent to be produced. Many of the other plots barely start and don't finish and the hackneyed "twist" near the end is so obvious and unimportant, it's a wonder they even included it in the first place, particularly considering if cannon, it has HUGE implications on the future of the actual story itself.
The other thing this movie lacks is the one thing it should have in spades: comedy. It has everything going for a good equation for comedy, after all. An array of established characters with loads of traits, quirky plot lines (fragmented though they may be) and a setting so vast and diverse (the future!) you couldn't possibly run out of original jokes and ideas. And yet... *sigh*
The problem with futurama it seems is that they've fallen into the pit of "character humour is the only humour". Let me put this simply: characters, no matter how diverse and colourful, are not funny on their own (incidentally, this is a problem with almost EVERY show out there, not just futurama).
Fry is a stupid, lazy oaf from the past. This isn't funny. Leela is a prudent woman with a penchants for violence. This isn't funny (on a side-note, female characters are almost always written badly due to the gender flip phenomenon). Bender is a greedy, self-adoring alcoholic. This isn't funny. The characters themselves are not funny because no character trait, no matter how exaggerated, is funny! Not on it's own, anyway. What is funny is Fry's inability to fully adapt to a future so different to our current time, it seems oddly familiar. Character traits need to be contrasted against a situation, otherwise it's just "life" and who in their right mind finds that funny? As someone anonymous once said (and i'm copying) "comedy happens when two ideas intersect" not when the same idea intersects with itself.
Now, i could sit here and rant all day about the shortcomings of this movie (and contemporary tv shows in general)... but that's probably why i'm still single. So instead, i'll just say, if you liked futurama, the beast with a billion backs, seek help. If not, don't watch this movie as it's pretty much more of the terrible same. This ranter gives Bender's Game a single imaginary star (out of a possible 5 real stars).
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