WallE

Since many of my 2 readers have come forward and told me that i don't ever LIKE movies, i've gone through the painstaking effort to actually write a "positive" review, if you will (i thought The Trap had a positive review, but wtf do i know, right?). Today i saw the latest disney-pixar movie WallE; a movie so good it had me skipping down the fucking streets (happy now?).

The premise of WallE is a simple one: earth has become a massive dumb as a result of rampant consumerism fed by the global corporation/world leaders (the president is literally the CEO of the global corporation). So far so good: nothing to suspend disbelief over yet. Naturally, the only solution was for Apple to build (presumably) millions of emotive little garbage collecting robots while humanity takes a 5 year hiatus in the stars... and yes, they were made by apple as can be clearly told from their start up noise akin to a mac (ed: steve jobs: "first i take over pixar, tomorrow the world! Mwahahaha"). 700 years later, at the start of the movie, WallE is all that remains of this robot army... and still no humans have returned.

Now, i could continue this review like other reviewers and basically just recap the plot verbatim, but since i think a REAL review should avoid doing that, i'll stick to keeping this an informal "rant". Needless to say, the movie plods along at a decent pace following WallE and the main female character (Eve: a heavily armed plant finding robot/mech of death) as they try to (inadvertently) lead humanity back to earth and learn to love all at the same time (but not without a little help from dolly parton). It was a story so charming and cute it made even MY blackened little heart melt a little:

*sniff* "if those cold, heartless machines can learn to love... *sniff* than maybe i can too!"

Of course, being an antisocial, inhuman monster incapable of finding anyone of the opposite sex to spend time with me (we can't ALL be desirable garbage collecting robots, ladies!) i was forced to suppress my emotions so as to keep them festering quietly as a mental illness until the appropriate time when i snap and kill everyone around me.

But back to the review/rant:

The conflict of the film is satisfied by a Hal-esque robot who's taken to controlling humanity through their complete dependence. Naturally, it takes the star-crossed lover robots to show humanity how to really live and in time, they rise up, overthrow their robot overlord and learn the importance of taking care of oneself.

Now, i liked this movie, but i've heard many criticisms of it from the oh-so-superficial graphics related criticisms ("it's too cartoony") to criticisms of the themes being too "overused" and "topical". To these critics i have only one thing to say: fuck you! Seriously, "too cartoony"? The story was good; it could've been even MORE cartoony and it STILL wouldn't've ruined the movie for me. If your shallow standard for a good movie is solely animation quality alone, watch The Hulk... you'll probably like it - no story but great CGI.

As for the themes, so what that they're a little overused. I mean, every single movie i've EVER seen has an overused POS theme that they often forget halfway through in favour of more action, crappier love stories and/or hokier comedy. Besides, what do you expect from a contemporary movie more than a topical theme. Sorry to break it to you, idiots, but EVERY movie theme is topical: it just depends on the time frame it's written.

Now, this isn't to say the movie had no faults, just that the oft cited "faults" are nothing more than the ramblings of idiots who miss the fucking point. Since i try very hard to find something wrong with every movie i ever see (it's apparently what i'm known for), i'll outline one fault i noticed myself: Eve. Why oh why did the female plant probing ipod have to be equipped with a death ray powerful enough to destroy a battleship? Were the people who designed her expecting her to encounter hostile life forms squatting on the unlivable surface of the Earth, fiercely defending any plant life that they may have? Perhaps it's the future's version of a rape-whistle, necessary to keep perverted male robots from getting too cheeky. Or perhaps she was designed by an emotionally unstable movie reviewer who's one too many robot-romance movies off the deep end already.

Ah well, whatever the reason, the movie is largely good with adequate themes and a cute story. Quite a good "kids movie" but certainly not a "kiddie movie" (note: i hate this derogatory term for children's fiction used by assholes and super-assholes alike). Any adult with a well developed sense of fun will find it widely enjoyable. This reviewer gives it an impossible 4 out of 5 stars. Now maybe i can get back to angrily ranting on the many other movies that piss me off (there certainly isn't a shortage of them).