Clonewars the movie

Garbage. Dictionary.com defines it as "anything that is contemptibly worthless, inferior, or vile". I define it as Starwars Clonewars. Whether you're a fan of the movies or just your average hate-filled, online movie reviewer, you'll find nothing redeeming in this kind of movie.

Now, originally, i didn't want to review this movie, partially because i was embarassed i'd seen it, but mostly because i have nothing to say about it; it's just that bad. But of course, i've become somewhat of a legend among my reader (singular) and they've begun to use me as a kind of barometre of sorts to gage what movies they should watch. As a result, i've put in the painstaking effort to make a review of this film. Forgive me if it sounds forced on more than one occassion as it's really not a review i want to be writing.

The first thing you have to understand about this movie is that it's non-canonical. It doesn't fit in with the starwars universe and that's probably all for the best. Much like the dreaded nintendo virtual boy, it's one of those things i'm guessing lucas is more than happy to pretend doesn't exist. But, unfortunately for him and us, it does and we all have to share the shame of nintendo's mistake.

Getting back to the movie:

The movie, which "fits in" somewhere between episodes 20 and 21 of the cartoon series, clonewars, chronicals the asinine adventures of anakin skywalker and his padewan learner of an unmemorable name as they go on what one can only hope is a single mission before being ripped apart by fate. Anakin was given this padewan not by choice but by a combination of cruel prank slash learning experience devised by Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda and the jedi council and, given the nature of the character that is his padewan, i'm convinced that it's this singular act of cruelty that paved the way for anakin to become the dark lord of the sith, Darth Vader (hell, WATCHING it made me want to destroy humanity... or at least george lucas).

Being a writer myself, i feel i have an obligation to ridicule and mock the writers of this movie, but seeing as i'm an asshole, i'll let their film do that for me (ha! Foisted by their own petard!).

Firstly, the dialogue is so piss-poor its embarassing! It's made even worse by the fact that the voice actors clearly thought so as well since each line is delivered with such a detached and rushed feeling you can't help but feel the actors are literally counting the seconds before they can flee the recording studio. While i didn't stay to see the credits (when the lights came up, i was gone) i can only guess that the voice actors were listed as a dozen or so "anonymous's".

The characters that bothered me the most were the droids. Apparently someone decided it was "funny" to have robots making stupid and illogical comments even in the heat of battle. Maybe it's a little thing, but why on earth would you design a robot that's not only sentient but also retarded? Seems like it'd be easier for the separatists to just give up and surrender to me. I'd share some examples with you of their attrocious "jokes", but i've purposely drank so much that these lines are but distant memories now. So if you want a sample of some of the worst dialogue in history, you'll have to go and watch the film yourself (suckers!). But i strongly suggest you don't.

Now, as short as this review is, i'm not going to go on. To do so would be to give this terrible terrible movie way more credit than it's due. As such, i'll leave this here and if you're REALLY interested in this movie, you'll see it anyway. But honestly? You'd probably have more fun watching paint dry or being tortured to death.