Mortal Kombat (1995)

So, how do you turn a tournament based fighting game with no real plot into a movie? Well, apparently you can't. This is a movie so bad, it's gotta be a joke. Either this is the dumbest action movie in existence or it's the longest, most drawn out punch line to the most mediocre joke ever.

Now before i start what passes for a review these days (on what passes for a movie in the '90's) i have to say, i don't really know all that much about the GAME Mortal Kombat. I played it a few times, am vaguely aware of the character names, but largely i don't really know anything about it, so if i'm missing some of the more "clever" moments of the movie (as if!), that's why.

Now, as for the Mortal Kombat the MOVIE, it's a one dimensional piece of cinematography that basically follows the "plot" of the games. That is, it's one tournament style fight after the next with no connections what so ever. The film utilizes the best special effects of the '80's to bring to life such characters as Subzero, Scorpion and Goro from the game to fight in kombat to the death.

Now, as for the characters, they are divided into two groups: those who do not have background stories, and those who try to have background stories. The latter are our "heroes". For the most part, there's really only three of them: Liu Kang, Johnny Cage and Sonya Blade.

Two guys and a girl? Gee, i wonder what will happen here. For the uncurious, when she first meets Cage, Sonya puts a gun to his head, so you know the two of them "are meant to be" - 'cause nothing says lovin' like a gun to the head (it's probably the easiest way to get someone into bed with you).

As far as their motivation is concerned as to why they're competing, "revenge" kinda sums it up for Kang and Sonya. Cage, on the other hand, has something a little different. He's currently a movie star and wants people to take him seriously as a "real martial artist". It's probably the only known time in movie history where the (usually comical) answer of "respect" is an acceptable answer to the question "what do i get if i win?".

The three stock heroes are lured and or tricked into entering Mortal Kombat, which is described by Raiden (another "good guy", but relegated to overseer role) as a tournament on which the fate of the world depends! The whole exchange goes something like this:

Sonya: (in disbelief) the fate of the world depends on a tournament?
Raiden: exactly.

After which, everyone believes Raiden and it's never brought up again.

We're introduced to a number of other characters at this point, including Subzero and Scorpion (don't worry, they don't matter), Shang Tsung (the bad guy) and Kitana. Kitana's female and catches Liu Kang's eye, so you know she'll become a good guy. Naturally, even though Kang's never seen Kitana ever before, he trusts her implicitly, presumably because of her looks. This isn't as crazy as it seems; maybe Kang knows he's in a shitty movie and the femme fatale is always, ALWAYS a closet ally.

We, as the viewer, know this already, so when Kitana and Kang are told to fight (because it's a tournament, remember?) it comes as no surprise that they spend their time grappling and clutching at each other as they role around, locked in each other's warm embra... death grip. In other words:

MORTAL SEX ACT!

Dun dun dun, dun dun dun dun, dun dun dun, dun dun dun dun!

...

Yeah, yeah, i know it's terrible and it doesn't rhyme. But like the movie, i just didn't feel like trying anymore.

Anyway, as it turns out, the heroes mop up all their random fights (and they ARE random) and Shang Tsung is left with only one choice: have his 4-armed monster, Goro, fight the nameless black guy of the group (his name's actually "Art Lean" according to the credits - is he from the games, too?).

Now, if you have a pulse and have seen any movies in your life, you probably know that this poor bastard is about to pay the ultimate price for his foolhardy decision to be a minor character. In fact, it's only a 3 minute long fight and ends with him dying to Goro before he can land a single blow. Shang Tung notes that it was a "Flawless Victory" for Goro. He then steals the losers soul (pun definitely intended).

I love how in this scene Sonya "the maneater" Blade screams when Art Lean has his soul taken (even though she never interacts with him to any meaningful degree before hand).

Sonya: NOOOOOO!
Sonya (thinking): i never even got to learn his NAME!

And this is the point of the movie where Sonya's character changes from "carpet eating, man hater" (if ya know what i mean, heh heh heh ) to "damsel in distress" in a single beat. This is actually a step FORWARD for her character, though, as she really didn't have any to begin with. Besides, her character change would later give this shittastic movie its only redeeming quality: the easy-on-the-eyes Sonya (Bridgette Wilson) tied to a couple of pillars in a rather skimpy outfit. Though, sadly, even this brief moment of fanservice could've been done so much better (ed whiny reader: pervert!).

So anyway, Cage and Kang decide they are going to go save Sonya (the "plot" has to move somehow, i suppose) by chasing her and Shang Tsung into another realm where Liu Kang promptly gets jumped by another character that looks like Scorpion/Subzero (Reptile, i think?), resulting in a solid 10 minute fight. Meanwhile, Johnny Cage patiently watches from the sidelines - after all, it's *only* "the fate of the world" at stake.

Anyways, after Kang defeats Reptile, he, Cage and Kitana (she just kinda showed up) go on to save Sonya. Kang fights Shang Tsung and spends half the time getting kicked around before finally winning after some last minute character development. He ends the fight by echoing back Shang Tsung's final words to Art Lean: "Flawless Victory".

"Flawless"? After getting his ass kicked for 10 solid minutes? I don't think the writers (or at the very least, Kang) know what this word means.

Anyway, the movie ends with Cage and Sonya and Kang and Kitana pairing off as the writers intended and the audience is left with something of a cliffhanger ending. Could it be a sequel on the way? Who knows! Guess we'll just have to wait, right?

I give this movie one sonya blade tied to one of 100 empty posts.