Watchmen

To those who are needlessly fastidious: from here on out, i will refer to Watchmen the graphic novel as a "comic book".  If it makes you feel any better, i'm doing this specifically to piss you off.  Otherwise, stop taking things so seriously.

Watchmen is a super hero "comic book" deconstruction.  That is to say, it takes the superhero comic genre and substitutes in "real" human characteristics and attitudes.  These are almost always negative characteristics because, hey, superheroes already embody all the positive ones.  A deconstruction makes the characters more "identifiable", or at least that's the idea.  Like the Greek Tragedies of old (yes, it's THAT old), it shows that those we look up to are just as flawed as any one of us and emphasizes the tremendous "pressures" those we elevate as heroes are put under.  I only bring this up because it's important to understand what Watchmen is going for in order to truly appreciate it for what it is.  If you don't understand what "deconstruction" is, you can never appreciate what Watchmen is.

That being said, i didn't appreciate what Watchmen was attempting to go for.  So why'd i bring up all that deconstruction crap?  Because if i didn't, there will be some douchebag out there accusing me of "not getting it" or something.  I've heard it all before and quite frankly, it's just fanboy-speak for putting your fingers in your ears and screaming "i'm not listening!"

So, why don't i like Watchmen?  Well, firstly it reeks of formula.  My brother (who studies film) once told me that in order for a movie to be classified as an "action movie" it must have a fight scene for every 11 pages of dialogue.  With Watchmen that's exactly what you'll get - one action scene every 11 pages of dialogue.  I know that this is why they did it because the action sequences have no point.  None of them go anywhere, matter or seem to have any importance outside of the exact moment the action is occuring.  There is no fallout from any action sequence, no consequences beyond "badguys defeated" and no lead in beyond obvious cues of "here comes a fight".

Even the climactic battle at the end seemed to happen for no other reason than because it should.  The fight is broken up with periods of choppy dialogue that seem down right cordial at times.

Watchmen's story itself is just PAINFULLY predictable.  Even though it's a deconstruction, the story is ripped right from any comic book in the world wholesale without any hint of irony.  I'll try to be delicate, as usual, because the story is what people want to see, but i still want to put this in perspective.  That being said, I don't consider this to be a spoiler because its that fuckin' obviousness!  None the less, the film inexplicably treats this as spoiler-worthy, so i will as well.  If you're sensitive to this kinda stuff, skip to below this section.

"Spoiler" below

To show you how predictable this story is, let me set it up and see if you pick it up.

A law (by nixon) has outlawed vigilanteism and the old superhero group has mostly gone into "normal lives", except for a few who are either operating for the US government (Dr Manhattan) or illegally (Rorschach).  The story starts with one of the old Watchmen being killed: the Comedian.  Rorschach quickly figures out that it must be one of the old members of the team or a supervillain they used to fight because they were the only ones who knew the Comedian's secret identity.  Villains are barely mentioned, so the viewer knows it's a team member.  But who?  Well, let's run down the crew!

The Nite Owl II: a batman knockoff.
The Silk Spectre II: resident female character.  Yeah, you know what that means...
The Comedian: dead, so...
Rorschach: the "rebel" of the group.  Think "like wolverine" in the xmen, and you're close to his personality.  He's also the primary protagonist.
Dr Manhattan: the only really superpowered one.  His powers make him unto a god, but he's more concerned with trying to keep the world at peace.
Ozymandias: the "smartest man in the world".

And that's our character line up.  I don't really think i need to say anything more than this - it's literally that obvious.  The movie tries to throw some red herrings in and distract you with side plots, but it's done so poorly, i'm not sure if they're there for the audience only (in which case, they were badly done) or just for the characters (in which case, what's the point?).

At any rate, they certainly don't draw away any suspicions the audience has to who the real villain is and nobody (but the characters) are surprised when Ozymandias is revealed to be behind the murder and other goings-ons for reasons that are non-sensical to say the least.

This actually brings me to another point that's omnipresent in hollywood now and forever: anti-intellectualism.  Seriously, how often is the "smartest character" purely evil?  If not evil, bumbling?  Too fucking often!  Why is it that the only intelligent characters writers can write are blinded by ambition or so quixotic that they're oblivious to common sense?

Are people seriously that afraid of intelligent people in real life?  Well, i guess so, since i've heard people argue in frankness that the Third Reich's scientists (like Mengele) did what they did for pure ambition and not out of racist maliciousness. 

At any rate, suffice it to say, that if this stereotype were to die tomorrow, it would be several decades too late.

"Spoilers" end here

So that's Watchmen.  A predictable, formulaic deconstruction of a superhero comic.  I know i'll be lynched by fanboys for saying that, but it's true.  Ultimately, Watchmen was a movie for the fans of the comic.  Everything it does has been done before and better, from all the stuff i spelled out in the spoiler tags to the ridiculously played out "society hates/fears superheroes" backdrop.

I could go on to tear apart what the movie thinks it's doing, but in all honesty, all that doesn't matter.  A movie's just a piece of fiction and fiction's there to entertain.  That being said, the harshest thing i can say about this movie was that it was unbelievably dull.  2.5 hours plus?  I can believe it.

I give this movie 3.6 boringly portrayed superheroes out of 6.  It's not the worst, but it's damned well not worth the 7.8 on www.imDb.com: C-.