Didn't Robin Hood used to be about a well intentioned thief with a bow?
There are a lot of words that have been used to describe this movie: awful, terrible, atrocious, abyssmal, fucking-awful, fucking-terrible, fucking-abysmal.... But there's really only one word i'd use to describe a movie like Robin Hood: boring. And really, that's the harshest of criticisms i, or anyone, can levy at any movie.
Now, that's not to say the movie's writers' are lazy hacks. Hell, it takes almost a superhuman inability to write to make a movie about eff-ing Robing Hood boring, but apparently it's possible. As an insomniac, i often have trouble finding dreamland in the dead of night. Yet, during the climactic battle sequence of Ridley Scott's Robin Hood, dreamland found me. Thanks, Ridley! $12 well spent!
When i went into this movie, i expected a reinvisioning of Robin Hood. My bad! The movie's about how Robin Hood became who he was. Fair enough. An origin story can always bring some kind of interest. But instead of anything interesting (by any stretch of the word), we, the poorly informed audience, get a protracted piece of nonsense about a war with France that's about as entertaining as watching lenolium curl.
I kid, i kid! Curling lenolium is considerably more entertaining than the festering pile of maneur that is Robin Hood.
Robin Hood is a (painfully long) 2 and a half hour movie that feels a lot like 7. For the first hour or so, i kept wondering "when will they get to the good parts?" Eventually i gave up on this and started wondering when they'd just get to the non-sucky parts. It wasn't long after that that i started wishing the movie would simply end so i could leave the theatre and not feel like i wasted $12. Even that feeling never came.
I wish i could say movies like Robin Hood are a rarity, but they're not. They are the norm of the Hollywood of today. The final death-throws of an industry so in-bred and devoid of talent or creativity that the only ideas left to be wrung from their wretched writers are the shit-fests that are the reinvisionings and origin stories the likes of which no sane human being would want to be subjected to.
The only reason Hollywood continues to survive is thanks to their ability to viral market. But even that can't last forever. Eventually the idiots like me who actually pay to see movies like Robin Hood instead of downloading them will get tired of being ripped off and just give up on theatres all together. And when that happens, the ones who are to blame are the inbred scum-sucking, crap-mongers who create purile trash like Robin Hood for mass consumption.
Don't see this movie - don't even pirate it. It's not worth it. Save your precious money and/or time and read the dictionary. It's guaranteed to at least give you a few moments of entertainment. That's much more than Robin Hood could ever hope.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Ironman 2
I had seen Ironman 1 and i didn't like it. But since everyone seemed to disagree with me, i sort've convinced myself i might be wrong and that a sequel wouldn't be an awful idea.
What a mistake that was! Whatever redeeming qualities Ironman 1 had, Ironman 2 makes a point of dispensing with all of them.
Everything about this movie reaks of stupidity. The plot is an incoherent mess, the humour's contrived and the characters are unendearing morons who never shut the hell up. I don't think there was a single moment in this movie i wasn't wishing i could actively influence the plot by strangling one or another of the characters to death.
There are an inordinate amount of sideline plots all running along at the same time: one involving the villain, Ivan Vanko (Mickey Rourke), one involving the other villain, Justin Hammer (Sam Rockwell), one involving Stark's black best friend, Colonel James Rhodes (Terrence Howard in the first Ironman, but Don Cheadle in this one), one involving an undercover agent Natalie (Scarlette Johansson), a minor one for the wooden Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow) and, of course, one involving Tony Stark, the Ironman, himself (Robert Downey Jr). While a skilled writer would have a very difficult time trying to give appropriate blance to any three of these plot lines, the writers of Ironman 2 have absolutely no chance and what results is a half-assed story that doesn't seem to know what's important and what's not.
In order to accommodate the plethora of needless side-stories and characters, the writers opt to have all the characters have the same annoying personality quirk of talking over each other all the time. This saves the writers from a measured development of plot elements by having them just thrown into the viewers face as fast as possible so the film can get on with more important things (though, i'll be damned if i know what those are).
Probably the most annoying character in the entire movie is Justin Hammer (Sam Rockwell). It's as if the director simply told Rockwell to act as annoying as humanly possible - you know, the way Rockwell usually acts in all his movies. Rockwell's every bit of dialogue is delivered in a whiny voice that's so aggravating it makes the audience want to jump out of their seats and strangle him to death. That's not to say the other characters didn't have me fervently wishing them all dead; just Sam Rockwell's better at it.
Probably the only redeeming part of this film was watching Scarlette Johansson jump around in tight clothing - but not by enough. Her character is still bland and uninteresting, doing little more than beat people up. A sort of "stereotypical action girl" character - flaws and characterization are for the male folk! She's also the character who gets the most "superpowers as the plot demands" (though she's hardly the only one). How, exactly, was she able to hack Ivan Vanko's (Mickey Rourke) control over the second Ironman suit? She's never hinted to be a genius level hacker who can best Stark, Hammer and Vanko (who is presented as being a genius level hacker). Nor should she have any knowledge of how the ironman suits even work! So how is she able to hack in in less than 30 seconds? Pointless story, right? Who cares how it's done so long as it gets done. Well, at least that's the writer's view on the matter.
Overall i'd say this movie is a waste of time. But don't worry, they're making an Ironman 3 and an Avengers movie. So i'm sure you'll have lots of chance to waste time seeing those if you so choose.
Since i gave Ironman 1, 1 out of 5, it seems only pertinent that i give Ironman 2 zero out of 5. God awful.
What a mistake that was! Whatever redeeming qualities Ironman 1 had, Ironman 2 makes a point of dispensing with all of them.
Everything about this movie reaks of stupidity. The plot is an incoherent mess, the humour's contrived and the characters are unendearing morons who never shut the hell up. I don't think there was a single moment in this movie i wasn't wishing i could actively influence the plot by strangling one or another of the characters to death.
There are an inordinate amount of sideline plots all running along at the same time: one involving the villain, Ivan Vanko (Mickey Rourke), one involving the other villain, Justin Hammer (Sam Rockwell), one involving Stark's black best friend, Colonel James Rhodes (Terrence Howard in the first Ironman, but Don Cheadle in this one), one involving an undercover agent Natalie (Scarlette Johansson), a minor one for the wooden Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow) and, of course, one involving Tony Stark, the Ironman, himself (Robert Downey Jr). While a skilled writer would have a very difficult time trying to give appropriate blance to any three of these plot lines, the writers of Ironman 2 have absolutely no chance and what results is a half-assed story that doesn't seem to know what's important and what's not.
In order to accommodate the plethora of needless side-stories and characters, the writers opt to have all the characters have the same annoying personality quirk of talking over each other all the time. This saves the writers from a measured development of plot elements by having them just thrown into the viewers face as fast as possible so the film can get on with more important things (though, i'll be damned if i know what those are).
Probably the most annoying character in the entire movie is Justin Hammer (Sam Rockwell). It's as if the director simply told Rockwell to act as annoying as humanly possible - you know, the way Rockwell usually acts in all his movies. Rockwell's every bit of dialogue is delivered in a whiny voice that's so aggravating it makes the audience want to jump out of their seats and strangle him to death. That's not to say the other characters didn't have me fervently wishing them all dead; just Sam Rockwell's better at it.
Probably the only redeeming part of this film was watching Scarlette Johansson jump around in tight clothing - but not by enough. Her character is still bland and uninteresting, doing little more than beat people up. A sort of "stereotypical action girl" character - flaws and characterization are for the male folk! She's also the character who gets the most "superpowers as the plot demands" (though she's hardly the only one). How, exactly, was she able to hack Ivan Vanko's (Mickey Rourke) control over the second Ironman suit? She's never hinted to be a genius level hacker who can best Stark, Hammer and Vanko (who is presented as being a genius level hacker). Nor should she have any knowledge of how the ironman suits even work! So how is she able to hack in in less than 30 seconds? Pointless story, right? Who cares how it's done so long as it gets done. Well, at least that's the writer's view on the matter.
Overall i'd say this movie is a waste of time. But don't worry, they're making an Ironman 3 and an Avengers movie. So i'm sure you'll have lots of chance to waste time seeing those if you so choose.
Since i gave Ironman 1, 1 out of 5, it seems only pertinent that i give Ironman 2 zero out of 5. God awful.
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