Robin Hood (2010)

Didn't Robin Hood used to be about a well intentioned thief with a bow?

There are a lot of words that have been used to describe this movie: awful, terrible, atrocious, abyssmal, fucking-awful, fucking-terrible, fucking-abysmal....  But there's really only one word i'd use to describe a movie like Robin Hood: boring.  And really, that's the harshest of criticisms i, or anyone, can levy at any movie.

Now, that's not to say the movie's writers' are lazy hacks.  Hell, it takes almost a superhuman inability to write to make a movie about eff-ing Robing Hood boring, but apparently it's possible.  As an insomniac, i often have trouble finding dreamland in the dead of night.  Yet, during the climactic battle sequence of Ridley Scott's Robin Hood, dreamland found me.  Thanks, Ridley!  $12 well spent!

When i went into this movie, i expected a reinvisioning of Robin Hood.  My bad!  The movie's about how Robin Hood became who he was.  Fair enough.  An origin story can always bring some kind of interest.  But instead of anything interesting (by any stretch of the word), we, the poorly informed audience, get a protracted piece of nonsense about a war with France that's about as entertaining as watching lenolium curl.

I kid, i kid!  Curling lenolium is considerably more entertaining than the festering pile of maneur that is Robin Hood.

Robin Hood is a (painfully long) 2 and a half hour movie that feels a lot like 7.  For the first hour or so, i kept wondering "when will they get to the good parts?"  Eventually i gave up on this and started wondering when they'd just get to the non-sucky parts.  It wasn't long after that that i started wishing the movie would simply end so i could leave the theatre and not feel like i wasted $12.  Even that feeling never came.

I wish i could say movies like Robin Hood are a rarity, but they're not.  They are the norm of the Hollywood of today.  The final death-throws of an industry so in-bred and devoid of talent or creativity that the only ideas left to be wrung from their wretched writers are the shit-fests that are the reinvisionings and origin stories the likes of which no sane human being would want to be subjected to.

The only reason Hollywood continues to survive is thanks to their ability to viral market.  But even that can't last forever.  Eventually the idiots like me who actually pay to see movies like Robin Hood instead of downloading them will get tired of being ripped off and just give up on theatres all together.  And when that happens, the ones who are to blame are the inbred scum-sucking, crap-mongers who create purile trash like Robin Hood for mass consumption.

Don't see this movie - don't even pirate it.  It's not worth it.  Save your precious money and/or time and read the dictionary.  It's guaranteed to at least give you a few moments of entertainment.  That's much more than Robin Hood could ever hope.