The Expendables

People tell me an action movie is supposed to be stupid.  If so, then The Expendables is everything it's supposed to be.

The most amazing thing about The Expendables is that it manages to bring in the audiences, despite it having no story and starring the nearly incoherent Sylvester Stallone.  Why do people line up to see him?  At his most coherent he sounds like a boxer who's taken one too many blows to the head (which, incidentally, is why Rocky was such a good movie).

The movie is nothing short of one dry, uninteresting action movie cliche after another.  It's really hard to imagine a movie with so many explosions and fight scenes being so boring, but there it is.  At no time in this painfully long movie did i feel entertained by the overly stereotypical displays of pumping testosterone.  And i really can't imagine anyone with any set of objective standards feeling any differently.

The Expendables follows the story of a group of mercenaries with absolutely no endearing personality quirks as they accept a dangerous mission to off a dictatorial general in a fictional island nation.  Apparently that's all the plot that seems to be required in order to make a movie like this, because that's all the plot we ever get.  It's so shallow, that even the characters who set up the story are only there for cameos.

Of course, i'm told the appeal of this movie is not the story (ya think?), but the, *ahem* "all star" cast of action heroes: Sylvester Stallone, Jet Li, Arnold Schwartzenegger, Bruce Willis, Dolph Lundgren...  You know, all the washed up action stars from the 80's and 90's?  Who wouldn't pay to see that?

The worst thing about this movie is it's not even interesting to make fun of.  It knows it's bad - and somehow it's ok with that.  It's just this shitty little movie that's supposed to be fun for all the teeny-boppers of the 90's who never quite grew up enough to accept more complex stories or characters.  It makes no attempts and tries nothing new.  It revels in what it is and what it is is awful.

When i see movies of the calibre of The Expendables, it really reminds me of how low we as a society have sunk in terms of what we accept as entertainment.  It's no surprise that Hollywood is out of ideas (and thanks to nepotism, refuses to let in new ones), but when you have to turn to people like Sylvestor Stallone for movie scripts?  This should be a sign that you're industry's in trouble.

It's remarkable in and of itself that a movie like this could ever get made.  But you want to know the really amazing part?  Stallone's already planning a sequel!.  How the fuck do you make a sequel of a movie that has no god damned plot, entertainment value or lasting appeal; a movie whose only real selling point is it's B-List cast?  Maybe by stacking it with even more washed up talent?  Who knows; maybe they'll even get Vanilla Ice to do the sound track.  Wouldn't that be wonderful?