300

Or "how i learned to stop worrying and love the oil wars in the middle east".

Because this past weekend was my birthday and i wanted to do something special with myself (touching myself just isn't "specialy" anymore) i decided to watch a movie everyone raves about and that several people i know have been waiting for me to review: 300 (no, i do not touch myself when i think of half naked greek men: grow up, will you?).

Now, the movie officially runs for 120 some odd minutes, but i'm convinced, CONVINCED it's no longer than 45 minutes. Whoever the director was, he certainly was fond of that "slow motion" button:

King Leonidas: excuse me, men... i need to take a piss.
*The scene slows down as Leonidas turns and slowly walks toward a tree to do his business.*

Now, i realize that slow-mo shots are "cool" for certain action sequences, but after a while it just comes off as LAZY. There's no way the action in this or any movie is SO epic that every shot needs to be slowed down. I mean, even non-action sequences get the ol' slow-motion treatment. My personal favourite is when King Leonidas and his wife are shown to have sex in a number of sexual positions, each time with the scene slowing to a veritable crawl as the queen is clearly depicted to come to orgasm. Brilliant!

Besides the (over)use of the slow motion button, there was one thing about this film that bothered me from start to finish and that's the tone with which it's done. Now, i have to admit, before i saw this movie, several people had warned me that they felt very much that the movie was merely a propoganda flick aimed at dehumanizing middle easterners (those evil irania... er, persians!) and glorifying war. But, glaring historical inaccuracies aside, i did try to give the movie an honest, impartial review NOT based on these (as it turns out, VERY strong) overtones. However, it seems there's only so much jingoism and nationalism i can take. Everything about this movie screams "propoganda", from the way the spartans dress (only "wimps" need kevlar!) right down to the stupid jingoistic one-liners they crack out at every opportunity ("freedom isn't free": yeah, because when i think "freedom" i think of the chauvinistic pseudo-democracy of 400BC Greece).

The movie itself opens by talking about how great and noble King Leonidas is because he was raised (as all "real" spartan men are) a soldier. After all, if you're not a soldier, you're a vertible loser and useless to society. Later, there's even a part where Leonidas denounces the brave arcadian men who had to give up their livelihoods to try and defend their homelands as "not real soldiers" with the strong implication that those who are are worth far more than those who are not.

The villains of the movie are easy to identify and it's even more simple than "if they don't have perfectly chiseled physiques...". Litterally every persian is depicted as a grotesquely deformed, "souless" monster. Even Ephialtes (the traitorous spartan who helped the persians to victory) is depicted as a gruesome hunchback more concerned with gaining personal gratification than "serving his homeland".

In fact, the only antagonists NOT to fit the category of "hideous monster" are the politicians more concerned with finding a peaceful resolution to the conflict (the cowards!). But they are easily thwarted when it turns out their emissary is a greedy, self-serving rapist. Naturally, the traitor gives himself away in the most plot-devicy fashion when the queen stabs him in front of the entire congress (unhindered, mind you) and it's revealed he's carrying a small fortune in persian gold. Of course, why he's actually CARRYING the persian gold in sparta (essentially a useless currency) is never explained, but hey... how else can you clearly see he's a traitor unless he has money with the enemy's face on it?

All in all, the movie was not as good as it's hyped up to be, but i suppose if you're looking for a mindless action flick you could do a hell of a lot worse (see Transformers); you could also do a hell of a lot better (see The Matrix). But, if you're a fan of gory action without story (or a girl just looking for some rippling bicep action) you'll probably be more than happy with 300... provided you don't give it any thought (at all).

NB: i realize this review is short, but in my defence, the movie itself is short.